Life, Death, and the In-between

My watch this day began around 8:45 am and it is now 4:26 pm as I begin to write. The object of my duty as sentinel lies in a bed adjacent to the drab green and rather sterile couch upon with I perch, laptop in hand. The couch is made of some synthetic material with ruberized armrests – the kind of material that is easy to wipe down and sanitize.

She is dying. My ward, she is dying. Just last Sunday when I visited her in the ICU it seemed remotely possible she would recover from her fall and the hours she lay passed out on the floor before her friend found her. She became dehydrated from some unknown bug that left her with the “back-door trots”, as my mom used to call it. The bruising around her right eye and down her neck frame the stitches the emergency room doc put in her chin where it hid some hard object.

Nothing broken. The next couple of days her vitals improved and she was moved to a regular hospital room. Recovery went from possible to likely, or so I thought. When I came back to the hospital, Dr. Krill, a beautiful, full of life, young doctor spoke to me. Clearly she was not of germanic descent as the surname suggested. She was a head shorter than me with dark brown hair, almond shaped eyes, and the gold/-brown skin tone that matched her asian accent. She explained the fluid around her lungs and postulated that it could be the pneumonia that the IV antibiotics were attacking or it could be cancer – no one could tell at this point.

The spirit of compassion conveyed in he tone and in the gentle patience resting in her brown eyes permeated the moment as I struggled with a decision – to have them fight for life or have them ease her into death. I tried to split the difference and Dr. Krill gave a slightly befuddled look and the time to realize the discrepancy. Life. Death. My aunt, Helen, was somewhere in between.

I decided death.

Helen still had moments of lucidity when she would lock eyes with me and speak as well as she could. Her eyes were haunted with fear in those moments. Earlier on Tuesday, or perhaps Wednesday – time is no longer clear – I had yelled my questions to Helen who could not hear Dr. Krill’s high, lilting voice. The accent did not help Helen’s comprehension either. As best as I could make out from the guttural words she forced out between wet, rasping breaths, she did not want the needle and tube inserted that would drain the fluid from her lung. I told Dr. Krill to forgo the procedure.

Later, Helen blessed me with a little more clarity. She gave a diminutive wave with her left hand that I had been holding and croaked, “I just want to end it.” I am grateful that Helen managed to say that. The decision to move someone toward death weighs heavily. I informed the nurse of the decision to start palliative care. Actually, that must have been Thursday.

Joanne, the advance practice nurse with Hospice called me Friday around 11 am. I went from the hospital into the office to address the work that was beginning to form little piles in my mind. I truly cannot remember the last time I cried. Other than those little droplets that creep up at some especially moving movie, it may have been years since. No expectation of tears presented itself regarding Helen throughout the preceding days – until I spoke to Joanne. I cried to this stranger as I told he I would come in to sign the forms to start hospice care.

No, I was not actively taking a life. Yes, it is overwhelmingly likely that Helen would die regardless of how heroic the life saving measures. No, there was not a lot left for an 89 year old widower who proudly insisted on being far more independent than most of her years could manage. Yes, no matter how one explains it, the decision I made moved Helen towards the end of life; shortened the in-between. Such a decision flushed pain to the surface of my conciousness. I fervently hope she has or will entered into God’s Kingdom by receiving Jesus. I pray over and for her. I pray.

The nurse and tech just left the room. David, an averaged height, fit and tan man but his gray hair and beard speak to him being in his late fifties or sixties, offers much kindness though he seems to feel a bit helpless. He clearly wants to help very badly asking me each time if there is anything he can do for Helen or for me. Each time, I say “no”. Helen’s blood pressure when last checked was around 60 over 30. The gurgling in her chest has diminished greatly as her body dries. No urine even dribbles into the catheter bag. The hospice folks tell me that dying bodies like to be dry; dehydration is one of the least painful deaths.

Sometimes I look over stare for a moment just to make sure that my other sense has not missed something. She is breathing once about every sevend seconds and so I have to wait and see if she moves again. There is little sign of life in this withered seventy to eighty pound body. A body that she once gloried in, loving to be tan and driving her phenomenally cool green 1960 something Mustang convertible and smoking her cigarettes.

She truly had enjoyed a jet-set sort of life – especially for a Kentucky gal from a working class family. She would recount her time working at a Cincinnati radio station and attending fancy dinners with a suitor name Milt. I knew some of Helen’s history, but I learn so much more from two friends, Amy and Jennie, who stayed at the hospital many hours so Helen would not die alone. That seems right and a way to offer dignity when all else has slipped away. Helen valued her dignity as much as she valued her appearance.

She must have been quite beautiful and charming in those adventuous days of youth. Amy and Jennie both bits and pieces of history Helen has shared with them. Stories of often sharing drinks at lunch with the fellow co-workers, tales of enamored guys who courted her and took her on extravagant trips. Other intimate moments from her past that Helen never let her family glimpse. Helen was a private woman despite her outgoing nature. The stories I hear for the first time in these changing of the guard moments are new to me, but not surprising.

She married and loved Ted who passed years and years ago. She knew no stranger and would talk to anyone in close proximity. Not only would she talk to everyone, she would give abrupt advice and speak her mind in a way that might initially anger you but often ultimately endeared her to you. Her relationships with family were tumultuous to say the least. The events imparted to me by Amy and Jennie fill gaps of my own experience of my aunt. I cannot say she had a gloriouslife in whole; there were glorious moments. But I can say she had an intense one, both instense elation and pain. There was little “in-between” sort of existence for Helen.

Helen survived despite all odds. Even in my struggle over which course of treatment to take, I remain surprised that she lived to 89 years of age. Her chest is flat and scarred from the double mastectomy due to cancer. She smoked her entire life and continued after she was released from the hospital two years ago from that brush with death. Alcoholism robbed her of so much of her life and damaged many relationships beyond repair. There are other, even more traumatic but immensely personal revelations which will remain private. An intense will to live marked this frail frame before me.

Little sign of life now, except I sense her spirit still present. The words used in the Bible for spirit mean a wind or breath. In this in-between I am keenly aware of both the mere physical in and out of air keeping Helen’s body in a state of non-death. I am even more keenly aware of that other breath, that spirit, that I sense even without looking at her telling me she is still here in the in-between.

It baffles me that anyone who has been present at the moment of death could remains an atheist. There is a something present. A breath that exists but that cannot be touched or seen. I do not actually see the air passing in and out of Helen’s open mouth, but I seen the rise and fall of her chest. In like manner, I see no substance we call spirit but I can tell it is there. And I pray that Holy Spirit speaks even now with Helen’s spirit testifying to her in the final hours about Jesus – His death on the cross to forgive her sins, His gift of Spirit to regenerate her heart, and His ascension to the Father where He advocates for her.

I know that the moment will come soon where that otherness I sense – that spirit I am aware of will suddenly be not. If I am here when it happens, I know I will be aware of its absence more keenly that its presence. The in-between will be no more and only death – for this eighty-nine year old body. I pray her spirit will be in the throne room of the Father.

And I can only remember that for us all there is life that flashes for a moment, there is death that lasts, and the in-between that lingers offering a final chance – a final choice.

“Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
Surely every man at his best is a mere breath.” Psalms 39:5

When this posts publicly, I will be at the funeral of my Aunt Helen. Offer a prayer if you will.

A Call-up to the Church: When a leader falls

I came across the words below a month or so ago. But I let them sit for a month to make sure they are coming from a place of concern for the church. I have seen this scenario play out too often. A church organizes around a pastor and looks to him or her for leadership (as opposed to shared leadership). They progressively put they trust into this pastor and begin to honor him or her more and more. Honor turns to celebration and a celebrity culture builds up around that person. The church relies more and more on that one individual’s gifting, vision and leadership. The church forms systems around the pastor and a hierarchical structure develops with some in the inner circle. Those closest begin to feel protective both of the pastor and of their time and connection to him or her.

Then the pastor stumbles or falls. To the same extent that the church exalted the pastor, they then denigrate him. The celebrity culture cannot stand the vacuum of leadership, so they quickly look for a hero to save them and lead them. The church tends to devalue everything the now villain pastor did. They remove memorabilia of that person from sight and remove prior sermons from sound. They exile the prior pastor in every way possible. They declare that the prior state of being was unhealthy, but now they have learned and the new hero leader with take them into health. But, the basic dynamic is not addressed and the cycle continues. Perhaps superficial changes occur and the overt evidence of the celebrity culture is softened, but the core problem is untouched.

So, I offer these words from an anonymous source. If you are easily offended, might as well stop reading now.

“Church, there is something missing in us. We proclaim health, but there is a malignancy. The symptoms of this disease are so common and comfortable that we embrace them as normal and right. In fact, this disease is rampant in the church universal and I only notice it because of the change I have seen in the local bodies. Commonplace, but it is cancerous none the less.

“I have spoken openly of embracing the grace of Jesus Christ in many circles of people within you. All agree, ‘Of course we hold tightly to grace; of course that is our foundation.’ But, the quizzical looks and the actions that follow indicate that what I am speaking of and what they are speaking of are not precisely aligned.

“’For grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.’ Ephesians 2:8-9. You know the words. You acknowledge that even the faith through which we receive the favor of Jesus is a gift that we cannot manufacture. You recognize in your mind that the gift of your forgiveness and life in Christ is undeserved. And you state your agreement that the apprehending of the magnitude of this unmerited gift from God calls us all into obedience from the heart and will. An obedience born of love rather than fear.

‘Then why do we persist, Church, in disobedience? Why are we so reticent to extend grace? Why, when this foundation of total reliance on Jesus as Lord and Savior is examined in detail, do cracks emerge?

“’If you love me, you will keep my commandments.’ John 14:15. ‘In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets… . Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.’ Matthew 7:12 & 26. ‘For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions… . Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why then do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?’ Matthew 6:14-15 & 7:1-4.

‘There is unforgiveness that is revealed in us, Church. It is the evidence of the cancer; the symptom. And the cancer itself is reliance on works: works of “recovery” and the works of  potential “restoration” of the exiled. Unforgiveness is coddled and even nursed in your members, oh body of Christ! Mostly the unforgiveness is subtle and the works reliance are insidious. But, when a leader of the body stands on the stage and proclaims that it has taken 18 months or so to forgive a brother his wrongs, and it is received with applause, the cancer shows itself. When that leader pronounces that now they have forgiven and gone through the “process” of forgiveness as though it is a good thing, the symptoms are manifest. Who among you realized that the leader had just confessed to living in the sin of unforgiveness for a year and a half? Who was struck that there was no repentance of that sin offered along with this declaration? Who sensed pride in this work of a forgiveness process?

‘When did Jesus ever speak of a process of forgiving? Did He not insist that forgiveness be instant? ‘But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court;… . But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also… . I do not say to you, [forgive] up to seven time, but up to seventy times seven.’ Matthew 5:23, 39 & 18:22. Church, this sin of unforgiveness is comfortable to you. You dilute the words of Jesus by adopting the modern psychological philosophy of process. You reject the high calling of Christ in disobedience to Him. You accommodate and justify your sin by saying that Jesus was only speaking in hyperbole and that what he really meant was, ‘take your time and work the steps’. This is sin. This is reliance upon psychology – a man-made philosophy. You call it recovery, but it is sin. There are many fine things that come from the recovery model, and some have a biblical basis, but it does not fully comport to the words of Jesus. And so where recovery departs from full reliance on Christ, it has chosen the easier, lesser path. You, however, are called to, ‘[e]nter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.’ Matthew 7:13. Or do you think the only destruction spoken of here is the ultimate destruction of hell? Are we not seeing destruction within your body, Church?

‘There is destruction that we wreak in the midst of God’s salvation. We have a brother in Christ who is hurting even now. A brother who has been exiled from the love, compassion and mercy of your embrace, Church. A brother who sinned, as has each of your members, body of Christ. Is his sin greater than your sin or my sin? Is his sin less deserving of the immediate forgiveness that Jesus gives to us and calls out of us? To look at our actions, it must be that there is a scale upon which his sin falls that lies beyond grace – at least beyond unearned and immediate grace (perhaps someday he can earn it back, right?). A betrayal that is beyond the betrayal of Peter’s denial of Christ in Jesus’ direst hour which was forgiven before it happened. For even now, two years later, we proclaim this brother’s “moral failing” and name his name to the entire world on the internet. Even now, we put in writing that he caused all our woes from the last two years, Church, and proclaim another brother who stepped into the leadership role as a hero. Another brother who had walked alongside our fallen one for years. Brothers who broke bread together. A brother who actively supported, promoted and encouraged the very systems and approaches that we now decry. One is vilified publicly and one is heralded publicly two years later. That is not forgiveness. That is not grace. That is not mercy. That is not compassion. That is sin. That is a works basis for the extension of favor (grace). That is passing judgment based on behavior and goes beyond the natural consequences of lost trust, lost wages, lost opportunities, and lost fellowship. It is punitive.

‘Church, we continue to walk in the sin of unforgiveness and our health is being devoured by this cancer of relying on behavior and on processes rather than on the unfailing words of Jesus. I have pointed out only two examples; two symptoms. But there are more. People still leave our body, Church. Support is waning; not growing. Could it be that those who are leaving reject this ill and those who come and stay are already infected? So many talk about a feeling they get; a visceral reaction that they cannot name. So many notice that responsibility of every problem we are encountering is laid on the head of one brother just as the priest of old placed their hands on the head of the scapegoat to be led away and slaughtered. Even the mistakes made subsequent to the exile of this brother are attributed to him and to his influence. When does that chain of causation end? Jesus is our scapegoat and we need no other. He paid the price and assumed the responsibility (though there remain natural consequences). Need we look beyond the cross and proclaim blame on a brother? Many members of this body notice that either by direct observation or on a spiritual level. They recognize in their spirit that something remains off.

“I stated in a meeting of leaders earlier this year that we must go beyond what we label as forgiveness and, instead, reconcile. I have heard of no one taking steps to reconcile with this brother even though another sister who sinned similarly has been restored to fellowship. Upon what difference is this judgment made? I am not naïve and suggesting that this brother come back and physically take part in the community of this local body, Church (though I cannot see why not). But has even a single one of you who walked by his side for years, who proclaimed love for him, gone to him to reconcile? Are you waiting for his behavior and level of repentance to match your judgment of how contrite he should be? The peace of Christ does not refer to a feeling of serenity; it is a word that means ceasing hostilities and being reunited. The peace of Christ is not predicated upon our behavior, but is a gift He gives us – a specific manifestation from His grace towards us. No one has sought this peace with our exiled brother.

“I have put forth four symptoms; four items of evidence that we are not healthy even though we outwardly proclaim such. The first, acceptance of the sin of unforgiveness by calling it a process in contradiction of the very words of Jesus. Secondly, the continued public blaming and shaming of a brother in Christ while elevating another prior cohort to status of hero. The discontent of many in their spirit which continues to cause many to leave is the third symptom. And, the fourth, is the failure of fellow brothers and sisters, even those who previously proclaimed him friend, to go to a hurting brother and reconcile with him and end the spiritual exile even if the physical exile from this specific fellowship must continue.

“Church, we are ill. Cancer is at work within this body and the evidence is there, though ignored. Claiming health does not create health. Our prognosis is grim unless we undergo extreme measures. We must return to a deep obedience out of love to the hardest of the teachings of our Lord and Savior. We must call out sin, no matter how comfortable and good it seems to the eye of the flesh. We must look at ourselves first and foremost and examine our walk. We must confront our denial. We must see to the spiritual care of the most repugnant brother or sister. We must reconcile with our brother in Christ. If we do not, then only the most discerning and deeply rooted shepherd coming in to our body will be able to take us from this state of decline into true health where grace shines forth as a beacon to the lost and hopeless.

“Church, I am sorry to say these things because they will feel hurtful to nearly all of our members. These strong words will be rejected by those most invested in denying the sin with which they have made friends. They will be scoffed at as ramblings of a disgruntled man (and indeed I am disgruntled, though not by any treatment I experienced personally, but by this cancer that is hurting us all). But, some who read these words will have a deep down sense that there is something to them. Some of you will carry the torch of grace that goes beyond grace; the flame that make even fellow believes uncomfortable with its extremity. A grace that has no need to work out a process of forgiveness for it is anathema. A grace that flies in the face of what our human hurt tells us to do. A grace that is so profound that it makes us itch sometimes. A grace that calls out really risky and vulnerable steps towards others because of the assurance it gives. A grace in which we get lost to self because we are found in Him. A grace that prompts the concern for others above the concern for safety. A profound grace that instills a sense of awe, rather than the commonplace, whenever we contemplate it. A grace that always surpasses our understanding. Let that light shine.”

Anonymous

The Love Paradigm

The world’s judgment is results oriented. Bad results must mean, as the thinking goes, someone screwed up. Blame must be apportioned according to this results standard. It is a blame paradigm that always involves fear because some sort of punishment is warranted. Consider 1 John 4:18. 

However…..

Jesus’ sacrifice, His blood brought grace calls us out of the blame paradigm. It allows us to forego our own defense, for His blood is the only defense we need. It allows us to see honestly because blame and recrimination are not the currency of love. They obscure love; they hide truth. 

Consider 1 Cor 4:3. Not that we can’t look to see what God wants to reveal to us to grow from, but we do not have the yoke of blaming ourselves or others; it isn’t a right we can maintain and also embrace His blood. Once we are ushered out of the world and into His Kingdom, to apportion blame, even upon ourselves is to denigrate Christ; it is to suggest that His sacrifice was insufficient. 

It is an entirely different paradigm that Jesus brings us into and it requires an entirely different language. The love paradigm stands in stark contrast to the blame (fear, punishment) paradigm. It is the new mind, the new heart, the regenerated disposition germinated into all who receive Him. Look at 1 Peter 1:23. 

God does not engage in results oriented judgment; He judges the heart (spirit, intent, inner man). See 1 Samuel 16:7. Are we moving in fear? Are we moving in love? 

In a time of perceived scarcity where the temptation to blame is at its height, we must reject the world’s judgement and ratify God’s judgment. Are you blaming someone, even yourself, for where you find yourself? To the extent that you are, that is the extent the world holds sway in your heart and mind. There is an alternative. The is love. 

Water to Wine

The first recorded miracle shows a really interesting exchange between Jesus and his mother. As you know, Mary, Jesus, and his disciples had been invited to a wedding feast where the hoston  ran out of wine. Jesus turns big tubs of water into wine and saves the reputaion of the bridegroom.

This passage has been preached on many ways: from focusing on how God cares for the smaller things in life as well as the bigger; as an example of how children should obey their parents; on how symbolically Jesus is bringing the rich flavor of the wine of the new covenant to replace the bland water of the law, which is a foreshadowing of the last supper; and even on how Jesus loves a good party.

But, I’d like to focus in on a very curious and  short exchange between Jesus and his mom:

John 2:3-5 When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus *said to Him, “They have no wine.” When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus *said to Him, “They have no wine.” His mother *said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.

My biases have caused me to always read certain things into this passage that are not supported in the original text, and to overlook some things that are there.

First, I used to assume that Jesus did this miracle because it was his mother who asked it of him. This caused me to distance myself from the implied promise of the scripture. Sure, Jesus would do that for his mom as a good and obedient son who held his mom in a special place in his heart. But, most transliterations of the verse have Jesus referring to Mary as “woman”. The Greek word “gyne” is a very generic term and does not imply any special relationship. Many translations, though, foster the same bias I held and put “Dear woman” or “Mother” in there where the Greek just supports “woman”.

It is as though Jesus was making sure Mary knew she would get no special treatment from him. Remember the passage where he was at a house teaching and someone interrupts to tell him his mother and brothers were there to see him? Jesus had a similar response there where He redefines relationships. This comforts me because it allows me to apply the principles of the passage to myself.

Second, Jesus basically says, “Woman, back on up outta here.” but, Mary’s response is amazing. She doesn’t get upset. She doesn’t back down, she pushes ahead. If the Son of God told me to buzz off, I’d be crawling under a rock. How was it that she did not shrink back?

I suspect Jesus was having an exchange like he had with the Samaritan woman where he basically called her and her people dogs. I do not think Jesus was being mean or harsh; I think he was calling out something that Samaritan woman already believed deep down. She’d grown up hearing she was inferior to the Jews. Jesus brought it to the forefront and then blasted that belief with his response.

That same dynamic is going on here: I suspect there was something deep down in Mary that he was calling forth. Perhaps, after 30 or so years had gone by, she was unsure. Perhaps she felt a little insecure since Jesus was surrounded by his own posse and her role had diminished in his life and Jesus was calling it to the forefront of her mind just to blast it out of existence.

Regardless, Mary was unflinching. In that moment, she remembered the very nature of this man she had raised. You see, I have always read this with a third bias that made me think Mary was asking Jesus to create more wine; to do a miracle. But, there really is nothing in the text to suggest that Mary was expecting that kind of response. What is clear is that Mary was confident that her son cared about people, cared about her, and always went out of his way to help. As far as we can tell, Mary was as surprised as everyone at what Jesus ended up doing. She may have expected Him to take the servants and run back to their house to grab some vino.

This spoke to me about how I can love Jesus better. It starts with being continually reminded of his character. That He loves me. That He will go out of His way to help. I can get wrapped up in whether a miracle happens or not; whether a prayer gets answered a certain way or not and this opens a door to questions seeping in as to whether God cares about me in any particular way after all. But, when I remember His character towards me, I can be like Mary and just expect something good without even asking for the details. And receiving that love begets love in me.

Just keep rowing! …. or not.

A young man in the student ministry at my home church came up to me recently. He asked me about a particular verse in Mark 6. This intrigued me because the pastor had just given a devotional out of Matthew and had everyone turned to that gospel, not Mark. The young man had read this verse in Mark 6 a long time ago and could not explain why it had popped into his head this night. The verse was Mark 6:48:

Seeing them straining at the oars, for the wind was against them, at about the fourth watch of the night He *came to them, walking on the sea; and He intended to pass by them.

Indeed this is a curious verse. Let me explain what was happening in brief, though I hope you will read the entire chapter for yourself. Jesus had just given a talk to about 5,000 men (back then they tended to omit the women and children so it was likely far more). The hour was getting late and the disciples grew concerned about so many people growing hungry, so they suggested the crowd be sent away to find food for themselves. Jesus insisted on shaking things up, so He tells the disciples to feed the people. They were flabbergasted and could the most creative idea that came to them was to spend a bunch of money and order out. Since the disciples could not feed the crowd, Jesus ended up feeding these thousands with two fish and five loaves of bread. The disciples passed out the food and more was left over than they had to start.

Then Jesus sends the disciples off in a boat telling them to go to Bethsaida and He would meet them there. This is where it got a little crazy for the disciples because a big storm hit and they rowed for hours on end, making no headway. They diligently and faithfully kept going,though, attempting to do what Jesus directed. Jesus saw all this. He knew the disciples were straining against the wind; pulling on the oars with all their might, but getting nowhere. And here is where that curious statment at the end of Mark 6:48 comes about. Jesus “intended to pass them by.”

This seems quite callous. Isn’t Jesus love incarnate? Why would he not run to them and help them? Instead, through my own tainted filter of people letting me down, it seems like Jesus is abandoning them in their hour of need. Scripture, though, reveals a different story. The disciples end up seeing Jesus and they cry out in terror because they think this figure walking on the water must be a ghost. Then, Jesus changes course and joins them on the boat. The storm ceases and they end up at Gennesaret (not Bethsaida). But another curious phrase sticks out before we get to that conclusion of the story. It is in Mark 6:51-52:

Then He got into the boat with them, and the wind stopped; and they were utterly astonished, for they had not gained any insight from the incident of the loaves, but their heart was hardened.

The curious phrase here to me is “they were utterly astonished”. Seems that would be one of those “well, duh” comments. Of course, anyone would be astonished if someone walked across the water in the midst of a storm, got in my boat, and calmed the storm instantly. Woudn’t you be astonished? But, apparently the author saw it differently. Mark explained that being astonished was problematic. Their astonishments reveals a problem with the disciples – a heart problem – and this problem helps us understand why Jesus intended to walk by them.

The problem was a hard heart. Now that I look at the entire story, starting with the feeding of the five thousand, I get a glimpse of why they should not have been astonished in that moment. They had just witness a full on, unexplanable miracle of Old Testament proportions. Where manna from heaven fell and fed the Israelites in the wilderness, Jesus creates food out of nowhere – plenty to feed these Israelite descendants of those who ate the manna. If the disciples had been discerning and soft hearted, they would have gotten the truth Jesus was trying to convey: They (we) were made to rely on Him  entirely; relying on ourselves is sin. Relying on Jesus is salvation; relying on ourselves is death.

But, they missed it. Just like I miss it over and over again. Just like we all miss it at times. Even after we surrender intially to Jesus and pass from spiritual death to life, we keep turning back to self-reliance. Maybe it was because the miracle of the feeding was one they witnessed rather than one directed at them. Maybe they were just so intent on doing what Jesus said that they didn’t stop to think on it. Maybe, probably, it is because the essence of sin is relying on something or someone other than God and our sinful nature keeps clawing its way into our heart and mind every chance it gets. Call it pride or anything else you like, but sin comes down to placing our reliance where it does not belong. From the beginning when Adam and Eve relied on their own discernment and trusted Satan all the way to you and I relying on our own judgment as to what will fill us up – that is the nature of sin.

Even as the disciples were seeking to do Jesus’ bidding, they were in sin. They were in sin becuase they were obeying upon their own power; relying on their own strength. They must have been exhausted, ready to drop. But, they remained diligent . . . and sinned. The hardness of their heart was the belief in self-reliance that said, “I must do this thing. I must make it happen, even if it kills me. I must make it right and I must see it through.”  All these things sound a bit noble to you, don’t they? They do to me also. But, it is still sin.

Jesus did not care why the disciples dropped their oars. He did not care if they kept going until fatigue caused their muscles to fail or if in sheer desparation they simply gave up. I am sure He would have preferred that they suddenly realize, “oh, wait – Jesus will save us. He just fed five thousand people with squat, Put the oars down and let’s call upon Him!” But, it was sufficient that they dropped those oars our of sheer panic. He does not care why we relent, only that we do relent. And the moment we stop relying on ourselves and place that reliance on Him, He shows up.

Until we are at that point of surrender, He will intend on passing us by. Not for lack of love, but because He knows that showing up and bolstering our position while our hearts remain hard will do harm rather than good. If he shows up and helps us out of a bad situation when we are still struggling on our own power, even if all we have left is 1% self, then we will simply assume that “God helps those who help themselves.” That is a lie and Jesus will have none of it! God helps those who give up: who give up on doing for themselves, give up on self-help and self reliance, who give up on their way and their power. God helps those who let go of the oars when it make no worldly sense to do so.

Are you still rowing?

Are you close to your Father?

Ephesians 2:13 But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.

How many times have I (we) said or thought, “I need to do such and so to grow closer to Jesus.” We compare a relationship with God to our earthly relationships and conclude that because we must work at the human ones to have healthy intimacy, then we must work at this heavenly relationship with God to be close. But, this comparison is limited and stilted. We forget that the reason we must work at human relationships is sin. Sin divided; sin destroys unity. In human relationships, there are two parties fallen to sin. In our relationship with God, one party is untouched by sin and holy. So the analogy breaks down. 

This verse tells us that we are brought near (close in place or position; accessible) by the blood of Jesus). His blood brings us into peace (unionThis verse tells us that we are brought near (close in place or position; accessible) by the blood of Jesus (there’s a whole discussion about the significance of blood I hope to have someday). His blood brings us into peace (union; cessation of hostilities; absence of conflict) with Father. That work of the relationship is done; “it is finished!” 

Well then, surely there is something we must do. If it is all done, why don’t we walk about feeling His presence all the time? We must have to work at it because….(insert reason here). Yes, there is a part for me (us) but, let us let go of the scripturally inaccurate Well then, surely there is something we must do. Yes, there is a part for me (us) but, let us lay aside the scripturally inaccurate metaphor of a human relationship when it comes to our relationship with Father. 

Our part starts with surrender: yielding to our absolute dependence on Jesus to be able to come before Father holy and blameless. It goes on to surrender: the yielding of our entire selves to the transforming of our inner man by the Holy Spirit so that we become more and more like Jesus. Then the next part is surrender: yielding our clutch on sinful thinking and behaviors because they harden our hearts and keep us from experiencing the nearness of Father; sin clouds our view such that we see Father only dimly. Sin not overpower the work of Christ’s blood thus, driving Father away but, it allows lies to infiltrate our minds and truth to fade. 

We advance now to surrender: yielding daily space and time in our daily lives to learn more about Father through His word and His voice because by the word our faith is grown. And ultimately we get to the highest work on our part and that is surrender: yielding our will moment to moment to obedience to His will. And we know that His will is to love Him and to love one another, a love He supplies. 

If we insist on calling surrender work, then work there is. But, it is not the work of drawing closer to God or drawing God closer to us; it is the work of letting God clear away that which obscures our awareness of His nearness. A nearness that exists as a result of the blood – Jesus’ blood. 

On Father’s Day, join me on reflecting on the nearness of our eternal Father. I am grateful that He chose me as son established this intimate relationship, destroying the barrier between us through the blood of Jesus, the Beloved. All I must do is surrender. 

Identity as Faithful

I am amazed at the wealth and depth of spiritual truth the Holy Spirit inspired authors of the Bible packed into each verse. In my last post I began to delve into the first verse of the epistle to the Ephesians written by the Apostle Paul:

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To the saints who are at Ephesus and who are faithful in Christ Jesus: (Eph. 1:1; NASB)

Just in the first part of this golden verse Paul makes me aware that God infuses into me a particular identity (for Paul it was “Apostle) as well as a shared identity as saint with all who follow Jesus. This is no mere formality or rote greeting. There are at least two more deep draughts of identity to be drawn from this well of truth.

The third truth we drink in of our identity is that we are faithful. An aspect of our nature as disciples of Christ is this quality of faithfulness. Even as I write these words, my internal reaction is to protest. Examples where doubt shadowed belief flash in my mind. I recall those times where I was disloyal to Jesus and chose sin over communing with Him. I am mindful of the voices of fear and anxiety that I listened to rather that obeying God my Father. I know you react much the same way in that instant when you are called “faithful”. Yet, here it is in God’s word: FAITHFUL.

However, Paul could confidently say this word to people whom he had never met because he knew that it was God the Father by the atonement of Jesus Christ through the regeneration of the Holy Spirit that the seed of faith had been implanted in each and every person who had received Jesus as Lord. Consider:

…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith,… (Heb. 12:2a; NASB)(emphasis added)

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; (Eph. 2:8)(emphasis added)

Many read that last verse, Ephesians 2:8, with “the gift of God” referring to “grace”, but I believe the “gift” here is referring to “faith” for a few reasons. First, it makes grammatical sense that the phrase “gift of God” would link back to that which immediately precedes it and that would make it link to “faith” rather than “grace”. Second, the word grace itself means unmerited (unearned) kindness and favor – by definition a gift given. Therefore, it would be redundant to say that “grace” is a “gift”. Third, the following verse goes on to clarify that there is nothing at all in being saved that we can boast about, which includes our faith. If it were not given to us by God, then we could boast that the amount, timing, or nature of our faith played a role is our salvation. So, of course Paul could call the Christians at Ephesus faithful and through Paul, Jesus continues to call you faithful.

What then, does “faithful” mean. Faithful encompasses all the things that one would expect: loyalty, reliability, trustworthiness, believing, trusting, and confident. The root word for the Greek also has some meanings that need to be brought forward because they are not ones we would ordinarily use to define “faithful”: to be persuaded, to make friends of, to yield to, and to obey. There is a strong sense in these root meanings of becoming allied with Christ; to be brought into unity with God. Jesus brought this union, this alliance of peace with God about:

But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5; ESV)(emphasis added)

This peace (union with God) that Jesus brought us on the cross is real and manifest in us the moment we receive Him as our Lord and believe that He still lives (see Romans 10:9). Paul is simply declaring what is true by the grace of God. It is for us to embrace this as true of our identity and that is why Paul takes pains to remind us our faithfulness. As we apprehend (take hold of) our faithfulness, we get out of the way of the Holy Spirit’s transformation of us into the image of faithfulness. Those protestations against this being true encumber us (Hebrews 12:1) and we are called to lay them aside by focusing on truth rather than lies.

You, my brother and my sister, are faithful.

Identity as Saint

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To the saints who are at Ephesus and who are faithful in Christ Jesus: (Ephesians 1:1)

We like to consider our identity as being “who we are” as opposed to “what we do”, but this is a false dichotomy. One’s identity is made up of multiple facets. It includes our character traits or nature, our personality or dispositions, our physicality, our relationship in connection to others or roles, and what we are about or purpose. I can say I am a father and that is part of my identity. I can say that I am a man and that is part of my identity. I can say that I am a writer and that is part of my identity. However, the word “identity” does connote something core and essential about us rather than something that is temporary and superficial. My daily job may or may not be part of my identity depending on whether it is part of my purpose or calling in life or if it is only a way to make meet my financial needs.

Paul reveals a deeper quality to things that are part of our identity – they are God ordained. Paul was an apostle. He did not create this role for himself nor did he create within himself the skills needed to fulfill that role. Apostle was something that Paul was all about; it consumed his time and attention. While he did not chose this for himself, he embraced it. His chosen profession had been what we would call a prosecuting attorney for the Sanhedrin but he left that behind when he realized what God’s plan for his identity entailed.

As I read this, I wonder if Paul is alone in having such a designation from God. More precisely, does God have a particular role set aside as part of my identity? If we jump down a bit in the scripture, we find the answer:

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)

Every one of us can declare, I am _____________, a(n) ______________ of Christ Jesus by the will of God. Now, you may not yet be able to put a quantifiable title in that second space, but it exists. Part of the unfolding of the mystery God has for us is this aspect of our identity. We do not need to fret, though, as He reveals to us our calling. This is because He gives us the more crucial aspect of our identity just a few words later.

Paul declares as confidently that he is an Apostle, that his audience are saints. I am a saint. You, if you have received Jesus as your Lord, are a saint. You can definitively state, “I am _______________, a saint of Christ Jesus by the will of God!” Does this sound odd in your own ears? Do you find it hard to recognize your identity as saint? Part of this struggle comes from a misunderstanding of what a saint is. Most think that a saint refers to someone who has extraordinary piety and who has done amazing things for the Kingdom of God.

Instead of a designation for someone who does much good, the word saint means one who is “set apart”. Rather than being an exalted position one achieves by exceptional morality, it is a position you are placed in by the Father. We cannot even take credit for choosing this identity; God willed it. Through Jesus, you are set apart as a holy priest or priestess for God (see 1 Peter 2:5).

Being a saint and knowing it is not merely for our own encouragement. The recognition of this aspect of one’s identity calls out of us a particular response. The response of embracing the reality that “I am a saint” is that my thoughts and actions conform more and more to those of Christ. We do not transform our way into becoming a saint; being a saint causes a transformation to occur within us. Therefore, to live the full and effective life God desires, you must acknowledge your identity as a saint. As He reveals the more specific purpose and calling that is your identity, embracing that role will also call forth the response of stepping into it.

I am not finished wringing every drop from this one verse. In fact, it is still sopping with living water. In my next post I plan to explore more about what this verse reveals about our identity and why it matters.

Ephesians: First words

Recently I have been listening to a tremendous expositor of scripture, Martin Lloyd Jones, and this has birthed a desire in me to read passages of scripture in a deeper manner so as to glean even greater understanding of the grace and majesty of God. This is not just an intellectual fascination, but the draw is to deepen my relationship with Him through Jesus by an ever more intimate knowing Him.

To that end, I have delighted in finding a treasure trove in verses that I previously read as a mere formality or rote greeting:

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To the saints who are at Ephesus and who are faithful in Christ Jesus: (Ephesians 1:1)

First, a little context would be helpful. Every single one of the epistles (as opposed to the gospels) of the New Testament of the Bible were written to people who were part of the Christian body of believers. If all that was involved in experiencing a fulfilling and effective walk of faith was encapsulated in that moment when one first surrenders and receives Jesus as Lord for the forgiveness of sin, then the authors of those epistles would not have wasted so many words on encouraging and instructing believers, but would have written more testimonies and arguments to convince unbelievers.

We often get out of whack in the church by going to one of two extremes. Sometimes we become focused on evangelizing the lost to the exclusion of building up the body of Christ. This results in a lot of flash and flare with impressive numbers of “salvations”, but there is a dearth of depth. The evidence of this happening is when the growth of active participants within the body is not commensurate with the numbers of people making some sort of profession of faith. The other extreme is such a focus on the growth and edification of church members that we become a holy huddle. This results in lots of pot-lucks and bible studies but few actual transformations from darkness to light; from death to life.

Paul puts the proper emphasis this way:

So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith. (Galatians 6:10)

He recognizes that a mature body of Christ followers is attractive to those who are lost, hurting and seeking hope. A mature body of believers embrace their respective identities in Christ and by extension of that, cannot help but give evidence through word and deed of the great news of Jesus in their lives. Evidence of a church that has reached this sweet spot of doing good to all, but especially their own people is that non-Christians come, see, receive AND become vibrant participants in the church where they are fed and grow.

So, all this context is to make it abundantly clear that we followers of Jesus need to invest heavily in discipleship of one another. We need to dive into these divinely inspired words and grow in understanding always with the end of sharing the love and grace God bestows on us with others. I hope then, you will join me for my next post where I dive into what this verse, “Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To the saints who are at Ephesus and who are faithful in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 1:1) says about our identity.

The “iCloud” of Witnesses: Just a quick note

Who knew that when the author of Hebrews penned,

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,… (Hebrews 12:1)

that it would become so true on a practical and accessible way as through the internet. That’s right folks, the internet is no longer just a haven for porn, but it contains a icloud of witnesses from Saints who faithfully preach the word.

Much of the next several posts have been inspired by the word as taught by Martin Lloyd Jones. I know I am supposed to cite to his work every time I say something that I got from him, but I have been listening to his decades old sermons so much that I am inundated and would be hard pressed to write more than a few words without inserting some sort of reference.

So, if anyone complains I will either take everything down or attempt to fix it, but I am hopeful there will be mercy and anyone reading this will know that I get a tremendous amount of inspiration from many preachers’ podcasts. Here lately, it has largely been the late Rev. Jones’ exposition of the Holy Scripture. I encourage you to check out the library there as well.